Day 55: The battle of the impulsives

So I'm still going on about the potential 'shopping fast' and its unlike me to have not made a decision on something within 2 minutes... I am incredibly impulsive and incredibly decisive. It bugs me that I'm struggling and for something to be battling around my head for this long is really unusual. I do quite like being like that (impulsive and decisive that is)... means I don't worry, means things get done quickly and I like the buzz of making a decision which can alter life's direction within a matter of seconds. I could be more guarded than I am but I find that when I try that my impulsiveness finds a mighty strength from somewhere and always wins in the end. For example... a few years ago now (pre-relationship) Joel took me for a cappuccino at Nonnas on Eccy rd. He wanted to give things a go and I told him I didn't think we were a sensible idea for a couple. I knew his free spirited nature would clash with mine and we'd really frustrate each other. He'd also told me previously that I was the only person he'd ever met who made him angry. I went home from that cappuccino and told my housemates that I would NEVER go out with him. That was on the Saturday... by Wednesday we were together, I was head over heels in love and seriously couldn't believe it. By Saturday I was battling a ridiculous urge to tell him that I was in love but thought it would a) scare him off b) I couldn't possibly be so soon and c) I'd be a neurotic female and let the side down...so I was quite relieved when he said it first that very day. We stayed inseparable and I think my Dad took on the worry of all the things I'd said on my sensible cappuccino day and I freed myself of all of that and just went with it. We got engaged dead quick and though life has sort of slowed down a bit more recently I don't regret being part of an exciting whirlwind - it was so amazing... and I know that because of how strongly I felt - I could never have managed to not be with Joel - so it was an easy decision. (So right now as he is sat next to me laughing at youtube clips of sheep with LED lights sellotaped onto them and being hearded to look like a space invaders game from a distance I know that I can appreciate him for all he is)

I'm also very determined. In my 3rd year at uni 2 of my housemates were doing the typical 'we need to stop eating so much rubbish and go on a diet' They obviously read a magazine or heard someone who had lost 4 stone or something on the Carol Vordeman detox diet and went off to buy the 28 day detox plan. They brought the book home, sat me down with quite a well thought out sales pitch and then actually BEGGED me to do it with them. They said they needed me to do it with them as I had self discipline and I think they were hoping I had enough of that to see them through it. I looked at it, thought it seemed ok (unlike the nasty Atkins diet that was the other big thing at the time) so off we went to Holland and Barret and 'Down to Earth' to buy millet and rice milk, quinoa, rye bread and 100 varieties of seeds for our detox meal plan. It was strict- no bread, pasta, white rice, milk or any dairy, potatoes, mushrooms, no chocolate, sugar, salt, tea or coffee (which was the killer for me) - basically nothing except from a selection of vegetables and strange pulses... so we got going with great excitement and everyday woke up (with a terrible headache at first from the tea and coffee denial) in anticipation of what todays 'weird brown grain in a bag' tasted like. So a week in and Jen and Susan could keep it up no longer...not the meal plan... the pretense. They confessed that on day 2 they'd been to the chip shop and had been sneaking kebabs and pizzas between our crudites and vegetable soup ever since. But, though I'd not been dead keen in the first place, I'd made a decision to do it and I was going to carry on... and did the whole month. I must say after the first few headache days I did feel amazing... I woke up first thing and felt like getting strait out of bed full of energy for the day... and actually the only thing that I really craved was for a coffee. I must do it again sometime...

So back to the shopping fast debate...I think what I am having is a battle of impulsiveness. I impulsively want to take up the challenge - its a challenge, a chance to prove something to myself and a project to run with... but it's up against the most impulsive activity I do... I never plan what I'll buy - its all based on seeing something and falling in love at first sight with it and taking it home. What if I meet the super-dress of dreams and I just have to leave it there... I won't be able to stop thinking about it... I'll dream about it, become obsessed and I'll probably end up like that priest in 'chocolat' who breaks in and devours all the chocolates and falls asleep in the window shamed in front of the whole village. You might find me collapsed under a pile of mannequins in Topshop's window display wearing everything from the whole shop.